


Rage As An Infection

by bunnybrook



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, Established Relationship, Insomnia, M/M, Norting, Physical Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 22:12:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14628093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnybrook/pseuds/bunnybrook
Summary: "You never used to be this angry."





	Rage As An Infection

Saïx had fallen asleep in the lobby wrapped around his tablet like a teddy bear. The uncomfortable couches weren't fit for sleeping on but Saïx’s exhaustion always found a way to pull him under eventually. He was dreaming. About back home. The Garden, the soft petals of the flowers in the boxes by the road. He knelt to feel them between his fingertips. A bumble bee landed on his thumb.

_ There is a house in New Orleans _ , it buzzed.  _ They call the rising sun. _

The bee crawled from his hand to disappear into the flower. The singing was coming from far away, down a hallway in front of him.

_ And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy _ .

Saïx opened his eyes. Axel stumbled into the lobby, his glorious and drunken presence bringing the smell of pot and rosy perfume. His bare chest was littered with hickies and lipstick marks. He swung his arms back and forth. 

He smiled while he sang, “Lord you know I'm one.”

Saïx made a note, Larxene's nude lipstick on Axel’s chest, Marluxia's bright red trailing down his stomach. It stopped above his hips, the lowest mark on him was a bruise in the shape of a bitemark, almost black in some places, below the V of his hips. 

“Did you fuck them?” Saïx bit. “I'm not looking for sloppy seconds.”

“Seems like you aren't looking for sloppy firsts either,” Axel said. He smiled, dopey and slow. He walked like he was strutting down a catwalk, his hips moving back and forth. A pendulum.

Saïx pretended not to be entranced. He pushed away the lust in him, it was the only warm thing left. It was so dirty. The feeling of Axel coming to drop into his lap was so dirty. Saïx reached around him and placed his tablet in the ground.

“Hey babe,” Axel said. “Why are you working? The boss gave us the day off.”

“So you went and got fucked,” Saïx said. 

“I  _ didn't _ ,” Axel insisted. “I was stripping and it got handsy. Mouthsy. Y’know.”

Saïx shoved him hard off of his lap. Axel had a chance to catch himself and sit next to Saïx but fell to the floor instead.

“ _ Why _ were you stripping?” Saïx demanded.

Axel pursed his lips, his thoughts showing clearly on his face. First, fear (eyebrows raised, knit together), then thinking (pursed lips, the pink tip of his tongue), then something else (eyes downcast, hands folded in his lap). It read as nothing. Or Axel had gotten better at hiding how he “felt". Or, the last thought, sickening, maybe Axel really did feel nothing this time. Maybe he was slipping. 

He said, “Doesn’t matter.” 

Saïx wondered if he was angry at the thought of Axel with someone else. If he was, the curl of his fist and the pressure of his nails digging into his palm was the only way he could tell.

“Axel,” Saïx prompted. “Why were you stripping?”

Instead of answering, Axel fished in his pocket and procured a miniature of Fireball Whiskey. He carefully unscrewed the red lid and dropped it on the floor. He made eye contact with Saïx while he drank the rest of the bottle. He dropped it on the floor. It hit the ground with a hollow clatter.

“I'm not a snitch,” Axel said. “If you wanna work on your day off then you don't wanna know why I was stripping.”

Saïx slammed his fist into the arm of the couch. The rough fabric hurt more than the impact and it barely made a noise. Still, Axel got the message. He turned his nose up against Saïx and pouted.

“Look who's tough,” Axel teased.

Saïx’s feet were flat on the ground and his hand around Axel’s throat. Lifting him by it, he walked them towards the wall. One, two, three long strides for Saïx and a dozen stumbles, a stuttered, “Wait, wait, babe I was joking, stop,” from Axel. Even as he babbled, he didn't look afraid. Even backed against the wall, laboring to breathe through the pressure Saïx was putting on his throat.

“Don't call me babe,” Saïx growled. His claws dug into Axel’s skin. “The world isn't sweet like that anymore. Not for us.”

“It can be,” Axel said. “You don't have to-"

“What are you hiding?” Saïx shouted. “Why did you come in here looking like a slut? What are you doing that I don't know about?”

Axel winced and drew back, away from Saïx's voice. He laid his hands flat on the wall and gave an experimental push. But Saïx wasn't letting him go. When Axel realized this, he relaxed.

“None of your business,” he said. He placed his hands on Saïx's hips, as if they were about to step into a waltz. “I just thought I looked cute and you'd want to see. My bad, I guess, that being a Heartless killed your libido.” He brushed his thumb up the inside of Saïx's shirt. 

In a tender motion, Axel pressed heat into Saïx's hip. Saïx yelped in surprise and dropped Axel, who ducked away to the middle of the room.

“C'mon, man,” Axel said. “I missed you. I didn't come here to piss you off.”

Saïx said nothing. He glared.

“You never used to be this angry,” Axel said. 

It was the way his voice dropped at the end of the sentence, words slurred and grieving. Saïx’s fist connected with Axel’s face with a loud  _ crunch.  _ Axel stumbled back, his hands to his face. Saïx’s knuckles throbbed.

“What the fuck!” Axel cried. He took his hands away from his face, his palms covered with blood. “What is wrong with you?” When Saïx looked away, Axel shoved him and shouted, “Fucking  _ say  _ something.”

“I’m sorry,” Saïx said. His head was down. He was standing with his toes slightly separate, he traced the wrinkles in his boots with his eyes just to have something to look at. “I… You surprised me awake and I… I don’t feel like myself much right now. I’m sorry.”

Axel’s blood dripped down his bare chest and onto the floor. The red mixed with the lipstick marks, like he had the mind to coordinate ahead of time. He stood there, his hands swinging limp at his sides. When Saïx finally looked up, he only saw a flash of despair on Axel’s face, his lips and chin covered in blood. He felt sick with guilt and shame. Everything in him had felt so hot, something pushing him to fight. Almost the way Xemnas made him feel when-

“Some of us are hanging out getting high outside,” Axel said. “That’s it.”

“Oh,” Saïx mumbled. 

Axel reached out and took his hand. His traced his thumb in circles across Saïx’s palm. He said, “I thought You’d been mad. Because you’ve been so straight edge lately.”

Saïx swallowed and squeezed Axel’s hand. It was the closest he’d come to showing affection in... he didn’t know how long. Maybe he should love Axel better, maybe it would make him feel better. The Organization was important, if it fell apart too soon he would never get his Heart back. And neither would Axel.

But Axel was in pain now. Aching the way Saïx did. The same feeling of ownership that drove him crazy with jealousy overtook him again, the Organization was destroying them. Their love. Everything.

“If it’s more than just a few members, I can’t do much,” Saïx said. He wasn’t sure who he was explaining himself to. “I’m a minority in this situation, I can’t hold my ground against  _ everyone _ .”

“Wanna come, then?” Axel said. He leaned forward and pressed a bloody wet kiss to Saïx's forehead. “I bet I could get ecstasy from Vexen or-” He cut himself off when he saw Saïx’s eyes go wide. “Right, straight edge.”

“You need to get cleaned up,” Saïx said. He wiped off what he could of the blood on his forehead but he could feel some of it stick.

Axel touched his face, his fingers coming away bright red. He said, “Nah, I’m good.”

Saïx rolled his eyes. When he saw, Axel made a sharp noise and jumped back, one hand to his mouth, the other pointing at Saïx. He was smiling.

“Isa!” he said. “Isa does that! Fuck, I love you!”

Isa. As soon as he heard the name, everything he had felt before vanished. The memories of love that still tugged on him blew away and he was so aware of the absence. He stared at a bleeding stranger who rushed forward to press their mouths together, making Saïx gag on the copper taste. He shook Axel off and spit out blood onto the ground. The more he thought about him, the more Isa seemed to fade away into something that used to bed, something that may never be again.

Saïx picked up his tablet. He said, “I'm going to my room.”

Axel gulped, his posture changing completely. He lost three inches of height when he slumped over, as if his disappointment was pulling him to the ground. 

“Find someone to fix your nose. You're getting blood everywhere.”

“Where did you go?” Axel croaked. “You're being taken from me, aren't you?” He wiped his nose with his arm, smearing it with blood. “Even your eyes are different now.”

Saïx scoffed. Was he going to cry now? He looked pathetic, standing there sweaty and stoned. His lower lip quivering, he swallowed as he tried to hold himself together. He caught Saïx staring and took a deep breath and all of it was hidden away again.

Saïx used to love Axel. He barely remembered it. They hadn't slept together in weeks, had barely seen each other lately. When they first arrived they took beatings for each other and now Axel’s blood was literally on his hands.

“If you actually slept more and didn't stay up all night jerking off to Xemnas you would work better,” Axel said. He tapped his temple. “Got it memorized?”

Saïx opened his mouth to defend himself but thought better of it. Axel didn't deserve an explanation he wouldn't listen to.

“I'm not going to let the Superior know about your use of substances,” Saïx said. It was a pathetic offer of peace.

Axel looked Saïx up and down, then put his hand put an opened a corridor. It would be danger to walk through without much protection but said wasn't about to stop him.

“You're a fucking moron,” Axel said. “Everyone hates you and you know it. It's not hard to just  _ be better _ .”

He stepped through the corridor. Saïx waited for it to close before he breathed again. Before moving again, he opened the front facing camera on his tablet. It was the closest thing to a mirror in the Castle, other than the hand mirrors some of the members hid away, obsessed with vanity and appearance. He almost didn't recognize himself.

The scar was the first thing that caught his eye. He hadn't seen it since Xemnas had brought a mirror into the Castle just to show him. It was still scabbed and healing then. Now it was shiny red scar tissue, his face marred by the Organization, forever a criminal, forever watched. 

Axel was right. His eyes had changed. They had faded to seem blind, unnaturally amber the way Xigbar’s were. He didn't want to think about what that meant.

Quickly, he closed the camera before he could see more. He pressed a palm into one of his eyes until he saw stars. Maybe if he popped it Xemnas would kill him like a lame dog. What he had seen was a beast, after all.

Saïx stepped over the drops of Axel’s blood and started down the hall. When he reached his room, he left his tablet under the bed and laid down on top of the comforter. For the rest of the day, he gave in and slept.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like every Saïx fic I write is pretty much the same but that's not going to stop me. I was listening to Beastblade by Brendon Small while writing this, very good song. Thanks to everyone who's been nice about my fics, I love knowing my self indulgence isn't actually just enjoyed by me!
> 
> Also, the title unintentionally sounds like a metal album.


End file.
